I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
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Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes