The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
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[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Not all heroes wear capes.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
same bro
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*