am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
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GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Krampus.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter