I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
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Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Match dot com, but for socks.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.