Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
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There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register