Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
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I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Stop sending me this shit.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
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