Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
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it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.