I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
You Might Also Like
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.