Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
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Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
*watches the world burn*
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.