Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
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[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Name another movie that mislead you?
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I support this random dude and all his protests
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem