Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
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SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
my mom making me talk to relatives
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.