I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
You Might Also Like
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did