Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
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[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?