The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
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Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
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Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.