“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
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I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?