I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
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Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Netflix: We have Less
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile