I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
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My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Me :
All Day At Night
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!