wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
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Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.