First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
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[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
What is going on? 😅
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.