3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
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A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
me after drinking all the wine:
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.