I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
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hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Body by Oreos
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*