Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
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Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?