No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
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Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”