APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
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Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
“Why you watching this shit?”
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]