me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
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Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
honestly, i need both:
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*