I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
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The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
The future is now.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.