Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
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Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
When you can’t find your friend Neil
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper