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That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.