The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
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My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
January has been Januweary
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out