If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
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son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
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Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
So, can we agree on 4 or
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.