I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
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Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
All is fair in drunk and war.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture