Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
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My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
subtitles are so good nowadays
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times