My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
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(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
The three genders.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!