Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
You Might Also Like
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…