1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
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My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.