I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
You Might Also Like
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
it’s the silliest best thing
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1