Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
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I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.