Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
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*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.