*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
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Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids