Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
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[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer