Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
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After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.