Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
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Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same