Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
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God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes