*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
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They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”