You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
You Might Also Like
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
#MeanwhileinCanada