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Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye