My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
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How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I’m going to need a moment here.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?