When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
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Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
*looks at you in batman voice*
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked