3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
You Might Also Like
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Natural selection at its finest
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..