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*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
My god she’s good.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.